I accepted a last minute invitation to dinner tonight from the brother of one of my mom's friends. Although I really enjoyed the company, the food and the conversation, I felt a bit off, like being there was something I should not have been doing just yet.
Perhaps it's my anxiety taking control because I really want to see my AZ Drummer and between both of our schedules, that hasn't been able to happen just yet despite the plans we keep making. Perhaps it's my common sense taking control and not wanting to cause him any further additional chaos in his life, he is a very busy person both personally and professionally. Perhaps I fear being pushed to the end of his list on life. Perhaps these missed moments we keep experiencing are in fact signs that I continue to ignore. Perhaps I just fear how close to perfect he is for me, something that I myself don't think I could live up to.
And then this connection that we share, whether by heart, soul or a bit of both, it is much stronger than I thought it was and discovered yesterday that it truly scares the hell out of me. Perhaps I am just back tracking, trying to spare myself the heartache of what I am all too familiar with.
Unfortunately these are questionable moments that seem to go unanswered right now, I find that I am quite capable of jumping to conclusions and that it doesn't help ease my heart when the only thought going through my mind right now is that this schedule he keeps with me is because he is married or otherwise in a committed relationship.
Is he the reason you moved to Arizona? I am a strong believer in intuition, if it sounds to good to be true, etc... In my opinion, it sounds like you need to cut him loose unless there is other stuff that you kept out of your post.
ReplyDeleteI made my decision to return to Arizona prior to us reconnecting, in fact it has been almost 7 years since the last time we saw each other.
DeleteAs far as intuition, hunches, etc, I too am a firm believer in each, however with him, it's a very confusing situation and I am usually pretty good at refraining from jumping to conclusions.
Basically I am pretty sure that my concern is for the simple fact that in my last relationship I learned to accept being last in his life, hell, he chose alcohol over me in the end! Let me tell ya, it sure knocks the wind out of your sails, so-to-speak, when it comes to what you thought you were worth to someone. The experience has made me a much stronger person though and I can honestly say that I will never be last again.
Damn.... after reading what I just wrote and comparing our situation, I am last again!
Sorry to hear that, but at least you recognized it now rather then later!
DeleteYou're right.... Thank you for the comments and the food for thought!
Delete