Laughing through the tears.

Sometimes it takes a major event to open your eyes, to give you that extra little push that reminds you to start living before it's too late.  Unfortunately this type of a jolt usually starts only after a loved one has passed away and sometimes that jolt is completely ignored for many years to come, only to be realized at a later time.  Well my story happens to be the one in which it has been realized at a later time, basically, now.

Through the years I have lost many loved ones, both family and friends.  With each persons passing, I recall telling myself and others around me that life is too short to wait for something good to come along, you need to get out there and live it, find the adventure for yourself.

Last month we lost a great man, the father of my ex-boyfriend.  Despite that our relationship had ended, I found myself staying in touch with the family because not only did I care for them, but in all honesty, I loved my ex and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

What I realized today was that for whatever my reason was, I was keeping other men at bay, avoiding the possibility of a relationship that might go somewhere, avoiding the possibility of finding true happiness, avoiding the possibility that someone could actually take over a bigger part of my heart.

Perhaps there was a part of me that truly hoped he would want to get help for his alcoholism, something that we could work through, together.  Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't ready to let go so easily, despite what we went through.  Perhaps there was a part of me that believed he would choose me over alcohol this time.

Just over a year ago, I met a man through an online dating site.  Prior to meeting, we spent about 2 months conversing via phone and emails.  Once we finally met, not only did he live up to his profile, but it was discovered that we both had a lot in common.  So started a great friendship.

Initially we spent a lot of time together, going out to dinner, dancing, playing pool and sometimes just hanging at each others homes.  However about 3 months into the friendship, he started to get serious, wanting something more than just friends and I completely back-tracked.  It was so much to the point that I told him things were too hectic for me at that time and I cut off communication with him.  Short and simple, I freaked the hell out!

Back in October, we linked the lines of communication together again.  I was completely honest with him about my 'Freak Out'.  So for the last 7 months, we have been taking things slowly and yet, allowing us the room to grow.  It has been an awesome experience so far and I don't see it changing any time soon.  What I have realized is that he holds a part of my heart, something that I didn't expect to occur so soon, let alone at all.

So yes, Life is too short and I am finally acknowledging that fact by joining the living, exploring when I can and just letting things happen by not keeping everyone at arms length any more.

Coincidence? Perhaps....

Thought I would provide a smidgen of an update regarding my AZ Drummer.....

On the day of the 'supposed' robbery, I received a few text messages from an unknown number pretty much within the hour that he said the incident occurred... (incident?  geez, now I sound like a cop) anyway.... I received another text message from the same number yesterday, only this time the person was asking if I knew of someone interested in buying an amp and some speakers....

First of all, this person has no idea who I am and vice-versa.  It could all be just totally coincidental in relation to when the text messages started and the context in which they are, but I just don't know. 

So when I received the message yesterday, despite my desire to avoid any further contact with the AZ Drummer, I thought perhaps this might be the person trying to unload stolen items from him, hell, think about it, as he was part of a band, I would assume that he would have amps, speakers, etc... so the reasoning was not that off kilter!

So I did send him a message yesterday informing him of the text that I had received... his response, 'Everything is OK.  Please do not contact me anymore'... what an ass!  Which leads me to believe that the 'robbery' never actually occurred and in fact he was spending the holiday weekend with his family.

So despite my good intentions to try to help him out, unfortunately some people are just incapable of a simple, Thank You.

Contacting him is something that I can easily avoid and with the utmost respect, Good Riddance!

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