Laughing through the tears.

Sometimes it takes a major event to open your eyes, to give you that extra little push that reminds you to start living before it's too late.  Unfortunately this type of a jolt usually starts only after a loved one has passed away and sometimes that jolt is completely ignored for many years to come, only to be realized at a later time.  Well my story happens to be the one in which it has been realized at a later time, basically, now.

Through the years I have lost many loved ones, both family and friends.  With each persons passing, I recall telling myself and others around me that life is too short to wait for something good to come along, you need to get out there and live it, find the adventure for yourself.

Last month we lost a great man, the father of my ex-boyfriend.  Despite that our relationship had ended, I found myself staying in touch with the family because not only did I care for them, but in all honesty, I loved my ex and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

What I realized today was that for whatever my reason was, I was keeping other men at bay, avoiding the possibility of a relationship that might go somewhere, avoiding the possibility of finding true happiness, avoiding the possibility that someone could actually take over a bigger part of my heart.

Perhaps there was a part of me that truly hoped he would want to get help for his alcoholism, something that we could work through, together.  Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't ready to let go so easily, despite what we went through.  Perhaps there was a part of me that believed he would choose me over alcohol this time.

Just over a year ago, I met a man through an online dating site.  Prior to meeting, we spent about 2 months conversing via phone and emails.  Once we finally met, not only did he live up to his profile, but it was discovered that we both had a lot in common.  So started a great friendship.

Initially we spent a lot of time together, going out to dinner, dancing, playing pool and sometimes just hanging at each others homes.  However about 3 months into the friendship, he started to get serious, wanting something more than just friends and I completely back-tracked.  It was so much to the point that I told him things were too hectic for me at that time and I cut off communication with him.  Short and simple, I freaked the hell out!

Back in October, we linked the lines of communication together again.  I was completely honest with him about my 'Freak Out'.  So for the last 7 months, we have been taking things slowly and yet, allowing us the room to grow.  It has been an awesome experience so far and I don't see it changing any time soon.  What I have realized is that he holds a part of my heart, something that I didn't expect to occur so soon, let alone at all.

So yes, Life is too short and I am finally acknowledging that fact by joining the living, exploring when I can and just letting things happen by not keeping everyone at arms length any more.

Cleansing the past.

I spent my day cleaning up a few things, I guess you could say that it was more along the lines of cleaning out a few skeleton closets.  It wasn't something that I had planned to do, in fact my day was already planned when the sudden urge to just do it came around.  Also, the fact that I almost dropped a box of memories on the garage floor definitely helped the matter.

The first thing that I came across was a note with some information on it, and it had everything to do with my AZ Drummer, from over 9 years ago.  Apparently we were heading to Tucson to watch his daughter participate in a swim meet.  As our relationship was fairly new, my mother insisted on having the license plate number off his truck, his cell number and home address.  Lol...

Seeing that note just reminded me of our conversations prior to my return to AZ.  It reminded me of how anxious and excited I was to be able to see him again, through our conversations I realized that we both thought about each other on occasion over the years and it's unfortunate that despite the obvious care we still had for each other, we never had the chance to see what it would lead to.

As it has now been almost 2 years since we last spoke, I hope that he has found what makes him happy.

I also came across a box that was full of Chicago Bears stuff... so to say the least, today has definitely been a day of memories, both good and bad, healing and letting go.

Over and above

With having some business dealings in Phoenix, I decided to take Shawn up on his offer to say with him instead of having to travel back and forth from home, which is a total of 2 hours and 6 minutes one way, didn't take much convincing I'm telling you!

I am actually glad that I did accept, being here with him and his son has not only opened my eyes to how he is as a father, but also how close he is with his son.  It's been a great experience and I have made the right decision on not allowing a relationship to come between them.

Initially when I agreed, I was really nervous about how his son would react to me being here and the fact that it is not his mom under the same roof as his dad.  It was quite nerve wrecking to be honest.  Now, I am being shown all of his drawings, his hobbies, his humor and some of his toys, it's actually pretty cute and I am really happy that he is comfortable with me being here.

Dad on the other hand is also more relaxed and yet, I can sense that he is still on edge.

Slowly, we are working on finding some form of comfort for both of us, the adults in the house!  After his son goes to bed, we sit on the couch and watch t.v or jump in the pool, but we always end up with a great conversation and holding hands.  There has been no further discussions of a relationship, there has been no attempt on an intimacy note although we did kiss once.

It appears that we are both on the same page with this whole arrangement and he has honored my wishes to not push something on us that doesn't start in the best interest of his son.  I am not saying that down the road I wouldn't like to take whatever it is we have found further, but right now, that is just not possible.

Be still my heart....

Recently there was a confession by Robert in which he told me the truth in regards to his marriage.  He has been separated from his wife for the past 3 years.

Initially I had unfairly judged his decision for telling me.  I thought it was less than truthful and the only way he thought to possibly get me to sleep with him, hell, all I knew per our previous conversations was that he was married and had been away from his family for the past few months, so my thought fell along the lines of someone who was lonely and needing to get laid.

When my reaction was less than favorable towards him as he made an attempt to kiss me, I really thought that my behavior would have sent him in a direction to look for someone else, someone more than willing to accommodate his urges.  But that didn't happen.  In fact he apologized for his behavior and insisted that I never avoid being truthful to him, regardless of the chance that it may hurt or anger him.  He stated that he has never met anyone like me who isn't afraid to speak her mind and actually mean it.

Friday morning I had learned of a friend from back home passing away.  My day didn't continue, I found myself stuck on idle as I continued to feel guilty for being here in Arizona and not back home having spent more time with my friend before he passed, I actually felt extremely selfish for the decisions that I made.

When the evening came, I decided that I needed to get out of the house, I needed a way to release the frustration, emotions, anger, guilt, etc...  So I kept my plans with Robert for an evening of dancing and pool.

As we had been at the bar for about an hour or so, a song came on that he liked and he led me to the dance floor.  It was actually a fast song.  So, as we were shaking our asses on the dance floor, the next thing I know he has his hand on my upper back and the dancers around us are moving much faster than we were.  At some point during the dance he said that he could see it in my eyes that I was trying really hard to keep from crying, I was trying really hard to have a good time, that I was trying really hard not to mess up his night with my emotional state.  So, he put his hand on my back and pulled me close to him, holding me tighter than I have ever allowed him to do prior.

Before we left the bar, he asked if I would like to stay with him?  He promised to be a perfect gentleman and not take advantage of my emotional state.  He stated that he could see that I just needed a friend, comfort, support and understanding.  He offered me endless use of his arms for the night in whatever capacity I needed.

My thought at the time he asked was that yes, whether he was a gentleman or not, I needed someone to make the pain go away, I needed someone to take my mind off of my problems, my guilt, my frustration. 

We spoke for many hours, eventually waking up in each others arms sometime just before noon.  He didn't try anything, he was a perfect gentleman, a perfect friend.  After we ate breakfast, I went home, changed and returned to his house as we had plans for the day.

It is now a totally different feeling between us, yes there is friendship still, but there is more respect for him in my eyes.  After we were done running around for the day, we headed to the bar for another round of pool and dancing, this time it felt as though people were moving out of our way as we headed to the dance floor, I can't explain the feeling, but it is a nice one.

In a mood...

For whatever reason was going through my head at the time, perhaps out of sheer boredom, I threw a bit of information at the direction of research and OMG, the information I pulled up was quite surprising. 

First off, tomorrow is my 2nd date with Shawn.  As I have a meeting this afternoon in Phoenix, we decided that instead of me driving 2 hours there, back and then doing it again tomorrow, I am going to be staying with him tonight.

So yesterday... as I am entering the information into Google Maps as to the location of my meeting from home, the thought of just how far my AZ Drummer lives from Shawn entered my mind.  Sooooooo, it is less than a mile!  Yeah, I was like, holy hell!

So now it's later in the evening and I am posting on a journal that I am part of, then I notice how you can search/view other members journals, so for the hell of it, I use keywords for Shawn and then for my AZ Drummer.  Nothing comes up with Shawn, but for the AZ Drummer, I was actually brought to his wife's journal!  At this point I am like 'Holy Shit!'....

Although there was a lot of entries, out of respect, I only read one, basically just checking to see if this is in fact one and the same... so my answer would have to be, yes, without a doubt, this was his wife's journal!

So as of now, my research is back in it's box, only to be used for a true good reason.

Communication.... ah yes, we can talk!

One of the main questions that I have found myself asking is when it comes to on-line dating, what do you do after you have met someone?  If you are unsure as to how things went for both of you, not just yourself, is it okay to continue to talk to other members?  Is it okay to show an interest in other members to potentially start up a conversation?  What are the rules here?

Although I had a great time talking and then meeting Shawn, I really don't know where we stand, what I do know is that I consider him a friend at this point.  If things should progress, then it will on it's own, nothing needing pressure over.  But in the realm of things, I really don't think I am prepared to get into a committed relationship with anyone right now, I don't know that I even want to at this point.

There hasn't been any discussion between Shawn and myself about going beyond getting to know each other better for now and I am quite content with that.  We are going to be spending some time together next week, so that will be a nice thing to look forward to.

As for the dating site, during the time when Shawn and I were in discussions to meet, I did hide my profile and I did inform those others that I had been speaking to that I was going to be meeting with someone.  Surprisingly, there was no animosity or negative words sent my direction, in fact they actually wished me luck and one gave me his number in case I had an issue and needed help, he too lives in Phoenix.

So now, I have since put my profile back up and resumed talks with the same guys.  After answering their questions on how everything went, we are back to our same conversation levels, it's really nice and according to them, it is okay to continue talking with others, it's okay to continue meeting with others until you find that one person you are seeking.

So, for now I guess I am a bit more comfortable with what I am doing, but I still wish I knew for sure what the rules of on-line dating were...   

What are the rules?

Okay, so when it comes to on-line dating, what are the rules?  Take my situation for starters.  I met Shawn through the site, spoke via text and on the phone for a few weeks and then we met.  Although things went really good, I have to view it as, 'it went good for me' as I really don't know what his thoughts are as of yet.

As I know he had a very long and busy work schedule today, despite he said he'd call me when he got home, I really don't expect a phone call until tomorrow, might get an 'all tired as hell' text, but I kind of doubt it.

So am I suppose to stop further contact with other members, can I still talk to them?  Currently I am still talking to one of the other men that I started talking to before Shawn and I met.  Is this okay, is this proper on-line dating etiquette? 

At this time I am avoiding any conversation topic that may lead to a possible meeting.  We are just chatting back and forth as we did prior.  But if he does ask, what the hell am I suppose to say, do, etc...

Wow, this is a confusing situation.  Perhaps it's another case of just allowing things to happen on their own, no stress, no expectations, etc...

In truth, if I were to be asked if I thought Shawn would want to pursue a relationship together, in all honesty, I don't know.  Now that I am thinking about it, despite that I really do like him, maybe the fact that I am questioning everything is a red flag for myself that maybe, just maybe I am not ready to jump back into a relationship.

Okay, I am allowing my brain to go on over-drive here, time to stop and just chill!  Phew, being single is tough!

Laughter is the best medicine, EVER!

I have always heard the phrase 'Laughter is the best medicine' and believed that I had been living it as much as I could, well now, I definitely know I am doing that.

I have not enjoyed a great conversation in years, nothing like I have been having just the last couple of days with Shawn, it has been wonderful to be able to just laugh.

Our conversation topics go from our children, our businesses, our likes / dislikes, our wants / desires in life and love, right over to the other side of the spectrum which includes our idea's of an awesome relationship, romance, spending time together and of course, the sexual aspect.  Communication is in the top 3 'must haves' in a relationship for both of us.  I have found myself divulging information to him that not even my ex's were ever told, it's so weird and unlike me to be so open.  The crazy thing about it is that he can tell I am blushing right over the phone!

It may be due to the fact that we have not met, it may be due to the fact that we find ease in speaking freely to the anonymous despite the fact that we will be meeting eventually, it is just a matter of time.  A day that without a doubt, we are both looking forward too....