Laughing through the tears.

Sometimes it takes a major event to open your eyes, to give you that extra little push that reminds you to start living before it's too late.  Unfortunately this type of a jolt usually starts only after a loved one has passed away and sometimes that jolt is completely ignored for many years to come, only to be realized at a later time.  Well my story happens to be the one in which it has been realized at a later time, basically, now.

Through the years I have lost many loved ones, both family and friends.  With each persons passing, I recall telling myself and others around me that life is too short to wait for something good to come along, you need to get out there and live it, find the adventure for yourself.

Last month we lost a great man, the father of my ex-boyfriend.  Despite that our relationship had ended, I found myself staying in touch with the family because not only did I care for them, but in all honesty, I loved my ex and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

What I realized today was that for whatever my reason was, I was keeping other men at bay, avoiding the possibility of a relationship that might go somewhere, avoiding the possibility of finding true happiness, avoiding the possibility that someone could actually take over a bigger part of my heart.

Perhaps there was a part of me that truly hoped he would want to get help for his alcoholism, something that we could work through, together.  Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't ready to let go so easily, despite what we went through.  Perhaps there was a part of me that believed he would choose me over alcohol this time.

Just over a year ago, I met a man through an online dating site.  Prior to meeting, we spent about 2 months conversing via phone and emails.  Once we finally met, not only did he live up to his profile, but it was discovered that we both had a lot in common.  So started a great friendship.

Initially we spent a lot of time together, going out to dinner, dancing, playing pool and sometimes just hanging at each others homes.  However about 3 months into the friendship, he started to get serious, wanting something more than just friends and I completely back-tracked.  It was so much to the point that I told him things were too hectic for me at that time and I cut off communication with him.  Short and simple, I freaked the hell out!

Back in October, we linked the lines of communication together again.  I was completely honest with him about my 'Freak Out'.  So for the last 7 months, we have been taking things slowly and yet, allowing us the room to grow.  It has been an awesome experience so far and I don't see it changing any time soon.  What I have realized is that he holds a part of my heart, something that I didn't expect to occur so soon, let alone at all.

So yes, Life is too short and I am finally acknowledging that fact by joining the living, exploring when I can and just letting things happen by not keeping everyone at arms length any more.

Arizona Dreaming...

Since returning to Arizona, one of the things that I wanted to do was check out all the different sights available, from the Grand Canyon to some of the mines, thus providing an idea of where to take the kids when they come out to visit.  Having met Robert, he too is very interested in doing the same for his children.  So we started our sightseeing this past weekend, our first stop was Lake Roosevelt.

No doubt that there are some awesome places to be seen out here, it is just a matter of finding them.  Unfortunately I checked with the Chamber of Commerce Tourist Information and although the book provided has a lot of pretty pictures of scenery and establishments, it doesn't quite tell you what location you are looking at, so know way to know how to get there, arrrrg!

One of the places that we kept talking about was this turquoise mine/jewelry shop right here in Globe.  It is a place that we both pass on a regular basis so we decided it would be nice to check out.  After finding out the actual name of the place, Sleeping Beauty Turquoise, I checked out their website for visiting hours, was completely stumped by their days/hours thinking that it had to be listed wrong on their website, so I called... nope, not wrong on their website!  The place is open Mon - Fri from 8 - 4pm... What the hell?  As it is actually located on one of the main roads used in and out of town by numerous travelers, wouldn't it be better opened during the weekend as well?  I just don't understand the thinking of this establishments hours of operation.  I guess Robert and I are going to have to go elsewhere to check out some jewelry made with the riches of the local mines.

So now he has left the task of adventure to me.... ughhhh!  I will be researching some locations, both local and not so local, map it out and off we will go.  Currently our major adventure is going to take us away for the entire weekend, The Grand Canyon.  I have been there before, he has not.  It will be an awesome sight for him to see personally as pictures do it no justice.  Until that trip is planned, we will be traveling locally.  I think for our next adventure we are going to check out the Besh-ba-Gowah Archeological Park, but that is just a thought at this time....

If anyone out there in blogger-land has any ideas of some great places to visit here in Arizona, please feel free to provide some input.

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What are the rules?

Okay, so when it comes to on-line dating, what are the rules?  Take my situation for starters.  I met Shawn through the site, spoke via text and on the phone for a few weeks and then we met.  Although things went really good, I have to view it as, 'it went good for me' as I really don't know what his thoughts are as of yet.

As I know he had a very long and busy work schedule today, despite he said he'd call me when he got home, I really don't expect a phone call until tomorrow, might get an 'all tired as hell' text, but I kind of doubt it.

So am I suppose to stop further contact with other members, can I still talk to them?  Currently I am still talking to one of the other men that I started talking to before Shawn and I met.  Is this okay, is this proper on-line dating etiquette? 

At this time I am avoiding any conversation topic that may lead to a possible meeting.  We are just chatting back and forth as we did prior.  But if he does ask, what the hell am I suppose to say, do, etc...

Wow, this is a confusing situation.  Perhaps it's another case of just allowing things to happen on their own, no stress, no expectations, etc...

In truth, if I were to be asked if I thought Shawn would want to pursue a relationship together, in all honesty, I don't know.  Now that I am thinking about it, despite that I really do like him, maybe the fact that I am questioning everything is a red flag for myself that maybe, just maybe I am not ready to jump back into a relationship.

Okay, I am allowing my brain to go on over-drive here, time to stop and just chill!  Phew, being single is tough!

Keeping the kids occupied!

Now that a lot of the kids are out of school due to the summer break, a friend asked me if I had any ideas on how to keep them occupied and out of her hair.... lol!  Why ask me, well, I have 4 children and 1 grandson.  Recently we found out that there is a 2nd grandbaby on the way!  I can't believe I am a grandmother at my age, but in truth it is a totally awesome experience, especially since it has been proven that the mothers curse really works!  There were many times when my own mother told me, 'when you are old enough to have children, I pray they act exactly the way you do so you will know why I am pulling out my hair!'... I caught myself proclaiming the same curse to my son on occasion. lol!

I guess the best advice I can provide would be to actually spend time with them, both as a group and individually.

I doesn't mean that you have to spend every moment that they are awake keeping them occupied, children should learn the ability to keep themselves occupied as well, preferably without the use of video games, tv, movies, etc...  You may have to introduce them to alternate forms of entertainment, board games, puzzles, reading, writing, drawing, etc.... but look at it as the perfect opportunity to get to know your kids and perhaps a little something extra about yourself that you didn't know prior.


However, before you send your child off to entertain themselves, please ensure that you are aware of what they are doing and/or where it is being done, although we may tend to 'age-appropriate' the amount of control or freedom that we allow our children, as a parent, overly cautious is pretty much the standard in todays world, unfortunately!


So enough of the jibber-jabber right, what kind of things can you do with children during the summer months when they are out of school?  Surprisingly and contrary to belief, there is a lot of things to do, even if your finances are scarce.

One of the greatest inventions created when it comes to kids, in my opinion would have to be disposable or digital cameras.  If your children are quite rambunctious, definitely use a disposable one!  Otherwise, it's great to see the end result of what your children consider something worth saving.  From the top of a shoe to a thumb over the lens, it is sure to start a great conversation.

Find a local park, beach or even a walk around the block.  Take them out and let them run around, climb the trees, go on a nature hike, let them roll around in the grass and dirt, set them up with a nature treasure map, let them make some of the decisions for a picnic basket that you take for lunch (be prepared for marshmallows and chips galore!).  More importantly, let them be kids.  Allowing the kids to pull out the tents and sleeping bags for a night of 'backyard' camping can do wonders for their esteem and enjoyment.  Although it may seem like a lot of work to get everything ready, lanterns, flashlights, snacks, etc... let them be in control of what they need, to a point of course.


Basically when all is said and done, make their summer vacation an opportunity to get to know your kids again and vice versa.  Enjoy!

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Climbing Out!

Okay, happy to say that my dip into the 'Pity' pool was brief and short lived...  Fortunately my personality doesn't allow for much time spent feeling sorry for myself on matters that I can control.  I may pitch a bitch or whine a bit, but I get over it fairly quickly and this whole situation/relationship with my AZ Drummer is no different in terms of how I will handle it.

Through the years I have discovered that I am not like your typical woman when it comes to dating, perhaps leading my downfall in the romance department or finding a suitable significant other.  Truthfully, it is a trait that I refuse to let go because of how strongly I feel about it.

On average, I would think that more women would be highly upset with the continued cancellations and/or last minute calls to reschedule and then ultimately cancel.  I would also think that more women would be highly upset when the phone calls are sporadic at best and messages left are rarely replied upon.

For me it's much more complicated I think and perhaps most men would view my reserved nature as possibly uncaring, perhaps that in itself is more of a curse than anything else.

I don't expect a man to complete me or my life, although I would love to share those needs with someone special, until the day comes when I am able to give a man that much responsibility without so much as a second thought, those qualities are mine to secure and be happy with.

Having said that, I don't expect the person I am with to spend every moment of the day with me, talking to me or being my only source of entertainment.  Life comes with some of the most unexpected twists and turns, whether on a personal level or professional, I can't see myself spending my energy in a negative manner because our plans have to be changed or canceled due to something beyond our control.  However, I do have limitations with this acceptance.

I would love to think that spending time with me is just as important to them as breathing and not felt as an obligation.  How to explain this one.... well, simple enough.  Prior to the Holiday weekends approach, we had made tentative plans to get together as every other time we tried it was canceled.  With the exception of a scheduled fun day with his daughter early in the day on Saturday, he had the weekend off.  I thought as it had been 7 years and we both expressed a strong desire to see each other again and our schedules just kept getting out of whack, I thought nothing could have kept him from spending some time with me over the weekend, even if it were for just a few hours.  Instead he went shooting and from there his whole weekend was a nightmare, to which I am highly relieved and grateful that he is okay.  But the fact that he went shooting just pretty much made me realize that we are not on the same page when it comes to wanting to really see each other.

And then there are the phone calls, emails, text messages.... this one is a very fine line for me and unfortunately one that weighs heavy on my mind with my AZ Drummer.  Unfortunately since I haven't heard from him since being informed of the situation on Saturday, I guess pitching a bitch just isn't the right thing to do at this time.  Regardless, when it comes to communication, I don't expect it to be a constant and I don't find myself sitting by my phone just waiting for it to ring or notify me of a text.  However I do believe in at least checking in once in a while, if for nothing else, just to say 'hi', let me know they're okay.

There is much more that I can write when it comes to me and what I want out of a relationship, it's time for me to stop writing about it, it's time for me to stop talking about it, Life is just too short not to do something about it.