Laughing through the tears.

Sometimes it takes a major event to open your eyes, to give you that extra little push that reminds you to start living before it's too late.  Unfortunately this type of a jolt usually starts only after a loved one has passed away and sometimes that jolt is completely ignored for many years to come, only to be realized at a later time.  Well my story happens to be the one in which it has been realized at a later time, basically, now.

Through the years I have lost many loved ones, both family and friends.  With each persons passing, I recall telling myself and others around me that life is too short to wait for something good to come along, you need to get out there and live it, find the adventure for yourself.

Last month we lost a great man, the father of my ex-boyfriend.  Despite that our relationship had ended, I found myself staying in touch with the family because not only did I care for them, but in all honesty, I loved my ex and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

What I realized today was that for whatever my reason was, I was keeping other men at bay, avoiding the possibility of a relationship that might go somewhere, avoiding the possibility of finding true happiness, avoiding the possibility that someone could actually take over a bigger part of my heart.

Perhaps there was a part of me that truly hoped he would want to get help for his alcoholism, something that we could work through, together.  Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't ready to let go so easily, despite what we went through.  Perhaps there was a part of me that believed he would choose me over alcohol this time.

Just over a year ago, I met a man through an online dating site.  Prior to meeting, we spent about 2 months conversing via phone and emails.  Once we finally met, not only did he live up to his profile, but it was discovered that we both had a lot in common.  So started a great friendship.

Initially we spent a lot of time together, going out to dinner, dancing, playing pool and sometimes just hanging at each others homes.  However about 3 months into the friendship, he started to get serious, wanting something more than just friends and I completely back-tracked.  It was so much to the point that I told him things were too hectic for me at that time and I cut off communication with him.  Short and simple, I freaked the hell out!

Back in October, we linked the lines of communication together again.  I was completely honest with him about my 'Freak Out'.  So for the last 7 months, we have been taking things slowly and yet, allowing us the room to grow.  It has been an awesome experience so far and I don't see it changing any time soon.  What I have realized is that he holds a part of my heart, something that I didn't expect to occur so soon, let alone at all.

So yes, Life is too short and I am finally acknowledging that fact by joining the living, exploring when I can and just letting things happen by not keeping everyone at arms length any more.

Over and above

With having some business dealings in Phoenix, I decided to take Shawn up on his offer to say with him instead of having to travel back and forth from home, which is a total of 2 hours and 6 minutes one way, didn't take much convincing I'm telling you!

I am actually glad that I did accept, being here with him and his son has not only opened my eyes to how he is as a father, but also how close he is with his son.  It's been a great experience and I have made the right decision on not allowing a relationship to come between them.

Initially when I agreed, I was really nervous about how his son would react to me being here and the fact that it is not his mom under the same roof as his dad.  It was quite nerve wrecking to be honest.  Now, I am being shown all of his drawings, his hobbies, his humor and some of his toys, it's actually pretty cute and I am really happy that he is comfortable with me being here.

Dad on the other hand is also more relaxed and yet, I can sense that he is still on edge.

Slowly, we are working on finding some form of comfort for both of us, the adults in the house!  After his son goes to bed, we sit on the couch and watch t.v or jump in the pool, but we always end up with a great conversation and holding hands.  There has been no further discussions of a relationship, there has been no attempt on an intimacy note although we did kiss once.

It appears that we are both on the same page with this whole arrangement and he has honored my wishes to not push something on us that doesn't start in the best interest of his son.  I am not saying that down the road I wouldn't like to take whatever it is we have found further, but right now, that is just not possible.

Be still my heart....

Recently there was a confession by Robert in which he told me the truth in regards to his marriage.  He has been separated from his wife for the past 3 years.

Initially I had unfairly judged his decision for telling me.  I thought it was less than truthful and the only way he thought to possibly get me to sleep with him, hell, all I knew per our previous conversations was that he was married and had been away from his family for the past few months, so my thought fell along the lines of someone who was lonely and needing to get laid.

When my reaction was less than favorable towards him as he made an attempt to kiss me, I really thought that my behavior would have sent him in a direction to look for someone else, someone more than willing to accommodate his urges.  But that didn't happen.  In fact he apologized for his behavior and insisted that I never avoid being truthful to him, regardless of the chance that it may hurt or anger him.  He stated that he has never met anyone like me who isn't afraid to speak her mind and actually mean it.

Friday morning I had learned of a friend from back home passing away.  My day didn't continue, I found myself stuck on idle as I continued to feel guilty for being here in Arizona and not back home having spent more time with my friend before he passed, I actually felt extremely selfish for the decisions that I made.

When the evening came, I decided that I needed to get out of the house, I needed a way to release the frustration, emotions, anger, guilt, etc...  So I kept my plans with Robert for an evening of dancing and pool.

As we had been at the bar for about an hour or so, a song came on that he liked and he led me to the dance floor.  It was actually a fast song.  So, as we were shaking our asses on the dance floor, the next thing I know he has his hand on my upper back and the dancers around us are moving much faster than we were.  At some point during the dance he said that he could see it in my eyes that I was trying really hard to keep from crying, I was trying really hard to have a good time, that I was trying really hard not to mess up his night with my emotional state.  So, he put his hand on my back and pulled me close to him, holding me tighter than I have ever allowed him to do prior.

Before we left the bar, he asked if I would like to stay with him?  He promised to be a perfect gentleman and not take advantage of my emotional state.  He stated that he could see that I just needed a friend, comfort, support and understanding.  He offered me endless use of his arms for the night in whatever capacity I needed.

My thought at the time he asked was that yes, whether he was a gentleman or not, I needed someone to make the pain go away, I needed someone to take my mind off of my problems, my guilt, my frustration. 

We spoke for many hours, eventually waking up in each others arms sometime just before noon.  He didn't try anything, he was a perfect gentleman, a perfect friend.  After we ate breakfast, I went home, changed and returned to his house as we had plans for the day.

It is now a totally different feeling between us, yes there is friendship still, but there is more respect for him in my eyes.  After we were done running around for the day, we headed to the bar for another round of pool and dancing, this time it felt as though people were moving out of our way as we headed to the dance floor, I can't explain the feeling, but it is a nice one.

Help Find Sierra LaMar

On March 16, 2012 one of our innocent children disappeared, believed to have happened during her trip to the local school bus stop.  The case has taken such a turn that it is believed her abduction was purely random and that unfortunately she has been murdered.  Although there has yet to be any information released to the public as to how she was murdered or what has investigators believing that she in fact is dead, for the lack of information that I would be allowed, I have to believe in my heart that she is still alive, somewhere out there, wanting more than anything in the world to return home to a family, a community that dearly misses her.

If anyone out there in blogger-land has any information regarding Sierra’s disappearance and/or her whereabouts, please put yourself in the shoes and hearts of her family and help out by contacting the Santa Clara Sheriff’s Department at (408) 808-4431.

For up to date information on how the case is going, you can follow on Facebook by going to:  Help  Find Sierra LaMar

Sunday Bliss....

So the date with Shawn finally happened.  It was a great time spent playing pool, swimming, barbeque's and just getting to know each other.  I also had a chance to spend some time with his 2 dogs, gorgeous dogs!  Perhaps someday I will post a photo of them, pretty much want to see where things go for us first and of course, get his permission.

The spot we ended up at for our First Date / Meeting was a great place, called BullShooters in Phoenix.  The music was perfect, the atmosphere was pretty friendly, it was just what I feel is the perfect location for a first date if both parties like Pool, Darts, well pretty much a sporty feel.  There were also a few junior pool leagues going on in there.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed myself, it comes with a bit of guilt for two reasons.

First off, I did stay the night at his house and this morning he had to work.  Last night he informed me that his boys would be coming by the house to use the pool, probably early but a time wasn't specified.  Well this morning he told me they would probably be there around 10am.  Without thinking first, I got up, got dressed and out the door I went, that quick!  Why the guilt?  Well, I feel as though I may have given him the wrong impression that I didn't want to meet his boys and therefore was trying to avoid them as quickly as I could.... that is the farthest from the truth though.

It has been such a long time since I have found someone who I truly connected with, it has been such a long time since I have actually looked forward to the possibility that I could be truly happy with someone.  I have Shawn to thank for that.  Whether we end up together as a couple or just friends, either way I view it, I will have gained a lot.

So this whole situation with his boys had nothing to do with wanting to avoid them, I would prefer to find out where him and I stand first and also, I didn't want to put him in a situation that he would have to explain my presence and perhaps have to deal with the ex as well.

Secondly, I have some guilt in the fact that I was very much against even considering dating someone again.  So, my mind goes back to the friend of my mom's whose brother and I went on a date just a couple of weeks ago.  There has been no issue's, in fact we are getting together for a few games of pool on Friday, as friends.  But I feel guilty because I know he is interested in more and yet, I am not, with him that is.....  I just don't know if this is a situation I bring up to him or not?  I want to be respectful towards him and yet I don't know how something like this is even handled... ughhhhhhhhhhh!  Being single is so confusing!

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Laughter is the best medicine, EVER!

I have always heard the phrase 'Laughter is the best medicine' and believed that I had been living it as much as I could, well now, I definitely know I am doing that.

I have not enjoyed a great conversation in years, nothing like I have been having just the last couple of days with Shawn, it has been wonderful to be able to just laugh.

Our conversation topics go from our children, our businesses, our likes / dislikes, our wants / desires in life and love, right over to the other side of the spectrum which includes our idea's of an awesome relationship, romance, spending time together and of course, the sexual aspect.  Communication is in the top 3 'must haves' in a relationship for both of us.  I have found myself divulging information to him that not even my ex's were ever told, it's so weird and unlike me to be so open.  The crazy thing about it is that he can tell I am blushing right over the phone!

It may be due to the fact that we have not met, it may be due to the fact that we find ease in speaking freely to the anonymous despite the fact that we will be meeting eventually, it is just a matter of time.  A day that without a doubt, we are both looking forward too....

Oh My... Helicopters and Hospitals!

Continued from: (Shopping and Helicopters, Oh My!)

Although all the groceries had been placed in the car and we were all getting in to leave, mother decided that the shower head w/single lever thingy needed to go in the back with the rest of the groceries. So she promptly removed the box from the back seat, opened up the trunk lid, put it in and next thing we know she is stating that she is suddenly real dizzy. Basically from her description of what happened, she reached up too fast to grab the trunk lid to close it.

So, we get her in the car, turn the air conditioner on full blast, gave her a bottle of cold water, all the time thinking that her dizziness was due to the heat and lack of food. So, we sit there in the parking lot for a few minutes and let her gather herself. Within about 10 minutes, she seems fine and becomes very adamant that we travel on to the next store.

Sooooooo, pops and I weren't arguing with her at that moment despite our true desire to just forget the rest of the list and head home. But nooooooooo, she wouldn't let us, thankfully!

So now we have made it into the parking lot of Costco. From the time that we left Sam's Club, about 10 minutes had passed and mom said she was once again feeling a bit on the dizzy side, but now she was also nauseous. As our thoughts were still on that it had to do with the heat, she said she needed to get to a restroom, asap! So, inside we go, making a bee-line for the restrooms. Although she never did get sick, as soon as she said, we can finish the shopping another time, we knew that it was much more than we thought.

Shopping and Helicopters... oh my!

Everyone who knows me personally is aware of the simple fact that I hate to shop.  Literally, you couldn't pay me to go on a shopping spree voluntarily.  Perhaps from many trips to the mall with my mom as a young child, hell, there were 5 of us children which meant back-to-school shopping was an all day affair, whether we wanted it to be or not, we were stuck at the mall until the last kid was shopped for.  Ugh!

So, to get out of the house and as moral support for my dad who had no choice in the whole matter, we packed up the car with cooler totes, ice packs and of course, waters and hit the road, heading to the valley for a day of shopping.  Mother had the whole trip preplanned.

• (1st Store)  Shower head w/ single lever thingy
• (2nd Store)  Sunflower seed collection
• (3rd Store)  Standard household items and a few groceries
• (4th Store)  More  standard household items and a few more groceries
• (5th Store)  Dog food
• (Behavior Treat)  If dad and I made it through the shopping spree with little to no grief caused upon mom, we get to eat at a Buffet for dinner... yum!

Prior to hitting any of the stores, we had to drive about an hour and a half just to get to where they actually are.  As we live up, up and still up a bit more in the mountains, we prepared ourselves for the inevitable need to pop our ears once we descended from high atop the mountain.  With a yawn, dad and I were fine, pretty much immediately.  Mother on the other hand was chewing gum and it took a while for her to tell us that only her right ear had popped somewhat.  She claimed that it wasn't exactly a pop but more of a sharp-quick pain that went away as fast as she had felt it.  Thinking nothing of it, we continued on our way.

First we hit the home improvement store, Home Depot for the purchase of a new shower head and single lever thingy that was going into the master bedroom shower.  Apparently the old one has been leaking and had gotten worse over the course of about 3 weeks.  Mother has found her last nerve with the constant clicking noise of the water dripping.

Then we hit Food City where mother proceeded to buy out all the sunflower seeds that they had on the shelf.  Dad and I agree that she needs help!

Next came Sam's Club.  We went through it in less then an hour, thank goodness for mothers preplanned list!  However, the rest of the day went in a totally different and unexpected direction once we finished loading up the car......

**** To be continued.....  (Oh my... Helicopters and Hospitals!)

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Personal Fire Extinguisher?

I have recently discovered that no matter how hard you try to escape the heat while out doors, even with shade it is almost next to impossible.  And so then I thought to myself, back in the day when Corduroy pants were in style, if you happened to live out here and wore them during the heat of the day, if for some reason you found yourself with a need to run or sprint, the friction caused by the lines of the pants would result in crotch combustion!  Why in the crotch area?  Well, I don't know about the average person, but my legs are thickest just before they reach my hips!  Just sayin'!

Although I do not wear anything in the Corduroy fashion, I have decided that I need to find a personal fire extinguisher on the off chance that I myself should experience spontaneous combustion!  Hell, between the make up and hair spray, walking around in the heat of the day may be the perfect recipe for some form of explosive material.