Laughing through the tears.

Sometimes it takes a major event to open your eyes, to give you that extra little push that reminds you to start living before it's too late.  Unfortunately this type of a jolt usually starts only after a loved one has passed away and sometimes that jolt is completely ignored for many years to come, only to be realized at a later time.  Well my story happens to be the one in which it has been realized at a later time, basically, now.

Through the years I have lost many loved ones, both family and friends.  With each persons passing, I recall telling myself and others around me that life is too short to wait for something good to come along, you need to get out there and live it, find the adventure for yourself.

Last month we lost a great man, the father of my ex-boyfriend.  Despite that our relationship had ended, I found myself staying in touch with the family because not only did I care for them, but in all honesty, I loved my ex and wanted to make sure he was doing okay.

What I realized today was that for whatever my reason was, I was keeping other men at bay, avoiding the possibility of a relationship that might go somewhere, avoiding the possibility of finding true happiness, avoiding the possibility that someone could actually take over a bigger part of my heart.

Perhaps there was a part of me that truly hoped he would want to get help for his alcoholism, something that we could work through, together.  Perhaps there was a part of me that wasn't ready to let go so easily, despite what we went through.  Perhaps there was a part of me that believed he would choose me over alcohol this time.

Just over a year ago, I met a man through an online dating site.  Prior to meeting, we spent about 2 months conversing via phone and emails.  Once we finally met, not only did he live up to his profile, but it was discovered that we both had a lot in common.  So started a great friendship.

Initially we spent a lot of time together, going out to dinner, dancing, playing pool and sometimes just hanging at each others homes.  However about 3 months into the friendship, he started to get serious, wanting something more than just friends and I completely back-tracked.  It was so much to the point that I told him things were too hectic for me at that time and I cut off communication with him.  Short and simple, I freaked the hell out!

Back in October, we linked the lines of communication together again.  I was completely honest with him about my 'Freak Out'.  So for the last 7 months, we have been taking things slowly and yet, allowing us the room to grow.  It has been an awesome experience so far and I don't see it changing any time soon.  What I have realized is that he holds a part of my heart, something that I didn't expect to occur so soon, let alone at all.

So yes, Life is too short and I am finally acknowledging that fact by joining the living, exploring when I can and just letting things happen by not keeping everyone at arms length any more.

A new family...

*** Clicking on Squirrel images will take you to a larger picture on my Photobucket Site ***

As mother's yard holds a nicely formed rock fountain, it has been used as a home to various animals and reptiles, from Pack Rats to Lizards, oh and one large Bull Snake.  However, as it is no longer used in a fountain capacity, it's pretty much a pile of rocks nicely stacked on top of each other.

Currently her attempt to keep the ankle-biter dogs from getting in it and stuck behind all the nooks and crannies has worked with the use of garden fencing and a few boards, however her alpha-male Brutus has been found once perched at the very top, but that was thankfully all he did, he came down as soon as he was called otherwise that drop down to the other side is a bitch!

Anyway, now the former rock fountain is home to a family of Squirrels.  From what we can gather, it is a mother and 4 little ones.  As Brutus is the owner of all in the backyard, he is trying feverishly to evict said tenants!  We keep a close eye on him when he is outside as we know quite well that momma Squirrel will go ballistic on him if he gets too close or worse, captures one of her babies.  Thankfully since the holes were taken care of that actually led to the fountain, Brutus has been kept at bay, not liking it very much, but unable to reach them.

Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention by Shawn that these Squirrels, perhaps all Squirrels, but in his experience with his own family of Squirrels, they eat through wire!  Which for him is unfortunate as his company has a lot to do with wires of various sizes, types, etc...  So basically, his Squirrels have a literal buffet, 24/7!

So for now, momma is left to strengthen her brood and then will be moved along before they notice what nice wiring this house consists of!

Help Find Sierra LaMar

On March 16, 2012 one of our innocent children disappeared, believed to have happened during her trip to the local school bus stop.  The case has taken such a turn that it is believed her abduction was purely random and that unfortunately she has been murdered.  Although there has yet to be any information released to the public as to how she was murdered or what has investigators believing that she in fact is dead, for the lack of information that I would be allowed, I have to believe in my heart that she is still alive, somewhere out there, wanting more than anything in the world to return home to a family, a community that dearly misses her.

If anyone out there in blogger-land has any information regarding Sierra’s disappearance and/or her whereabouts, please put yourself in the shoes and hearts of her family and help out by contacting the Santa Clara Sheriff’s Department at (408) 808-4431.

For up to date information on how the case is going, you can follow on Facebook by going to:  Help  Find Sierra LaMar

Sunday Bliss....

So the date with Shawn finally happened.  It was a great time spent playing pool, swimming, barbeque's and just getting to know each other.  I also had a chance to spend some time with his 2 dogs, gorgeous dogs!  Perhaps someday I will post a photo of them, pretty much want to see where things go for us first and of course, get his permission.

The spot we ended up at for our First Date / Meeting was a great place, called BullShooters in Phoenix.  The music was perfect, the atmosphere was pretty friendly, it was just what I feel is the perfect location for a first date if both parties like Pool, Darts, well pretty much a sporty feel.  There were also a few junior pool leagues going on in there.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed myself, it comes with a bit of guilt for two reasons.

First off, I did stay the night at his house and this morning he had to work.  Last night he informed me that his boys would be coming by the house to use the pool, probably early but a time wasn't specified.  Well this morning he told me they would probably be there around 10am.  Without thinking first, I got up, got dressed and out the door I went, that quick!  Why the guilt?  Well, I feel as though I may have given him the wrong impression that I didn't want to meet his boys and therefore was trying to avoid them as quickly as I could.... that is the farthest from the truth though.

It has been such a long time since I have found someone who I truly connected with, it has been such a long time since I have actually looked forward to the possibility that I could be truly happy with someone.  I have Shawn to thank for that.  Whether we end up together as a couple or just friends, either way I view it, I will have gained a lot.

So this whole situation with his boys had nothing to do with wanting to avoid them, I would prefer to find out where him and I stand first and also, I didn't want to put him in a situation that he would have to explain my presence and perhaps have to deal with the ex as well.

Secondly, I have some guilt in the fact that I was very much against even considering dating someone again.  So, my mind goes back to the friend of my mom's whose brother and I went on a date just a couple of weeks ago.  There has been no issue's, in fact we are getting together for a few games of pool on Friday, as friends.  But I feel guilty because I know he is interested in more and yet, I am not, with him that is.....  I just don't know if this is a situation I bring up to him or not?  I want to be respectful towards him and yet I don't know how something like this is even handled... ughhhhhhhhhhh!  Being single is so confusing!

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Da- Dah- Dad- Daddy- Dad

I can't believe that Father's Day is just around the corner, again!  In fact this whole year is going by much faster than I tend to be enjoying it, time for me to slow down and smell the roses!

So I have to ask, What does Father's Day mean to you?

For me, it is a time when my mother was left to care for 5 children on her own, the youngest being less than 2 years old.  It was a time when we had no money for extras, our food was very limited to the point that my mother would go days without eating.  It was a time when this guy would return, help us pay a bill or two, get about a weeks worth of food, make us believe he was back for good and then hit the road while we were in school so he didn't have to say goodbye.

Father's Day started the day my mom brought home a date.  After having endured 3 years of making our life better for us at all cost, a friend of hers convinced her to get out of the house for a few hours.  About 3 months later, she brought home a date to meet us and he became more than just a male figure in our lives, he became our Father, even though at the time we didn't realize it, we were in our rebellious years from having been disappointed by another guy.  We trusted no one!

Mowing the lawn and participating in baby showers...

Now, 33 years later, Father's Day is knowing that my dad is just a phone call away and regardless of the time or day, he always picks up.  He is a man who at times does things that in all honesty should have killed him by now, he's a nut and we shake our heads in wonder, hell, he tried to get a hornet's nest out of a tree by using a ladder, a broom and a small garbage pail!  Yeah, he lost!  Thankfully he out ran most of the hornets!  The pictures below are of his attire when he cleaned the barbecue grill... Yes, as a member of Law Enforcement, that is him wearing his riot helmet and a pair of welding gloves...!

Cleaning the barbecue grill before a big weekend!

Father's Day is remembering every minute of every day that this man who had no children of his own kept his word to my mother, to love us all as one, forever and ever.

Happy Father's Day Dad....

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Keeping the kids occupied!

Now that a lot of the kids are out of school due to the summer break, a friend asked me if I had any ideas on how to keep them occupied and out of her hair.... lol!  Why ask me, well, I have 4 children and 1 grandson.  Recently we found out that there is a 2nd grandbaby on the way!  I can't believe I am a grandmother at my age, but in truth it is a totally awesome experience, especially since it has been proven that the mothers curse really works!  There were many times when my own mother told me, 'when you are old enough to have children, I pray they act exactly the way you do so you will know why I am pulling out my hair!'... I caught myself proclaiming the same curse to my son on occasion. lol!

I guess the best advice I can provide would be to actually spend time with them, both as a group and individually.

I doesn't mean that you have to spend every moment that they are awake keeping them occupied, children should learn the ability to keep themselves occupied as well, preferably without the use of video games, tv, movies, etc...  You may have to introduce them to alternate forms of entertainment, board games, puzzles, reading, writing, drawing, etc.... but look at it as the perfect opportunity to get to know your kids and perhaps a little something extra about yourself that you didn't know prior.


However, before you send your child off to entertain themselves, please ensure that you are aware of what they are doing and/or where it is being done, although we may tend to 'age-appropriate' the amount of control or freedom that we allow our children, as a parent, overly cautious is pretty much the standard in todays world, unfortunately!


So enough of the jibber-jabber right, what kind of things can you do with children during the summer months when they are out of school?  Surprisingly and contrary to belief, there is a lot of things to do, even if your finances are scarce.

One of the greatest inventions created when it comes to kids, in my opinion would have to be disposable or digital cameras.  If your children are quite rambunctious, definitely use a disposable one!  Otherwise, it's great to see the end result of what your children consider something worth saving.  From the top of a shoe to a thumb over the lens, it is sure to start a great conversation.

Find a local park, beach or even a walk around the block.  Take them out and let them run around, climb the trees, go on a nature hike, let them roll around in the grass and dirt, set them up with a nature treasure map, let them make some of the decisions for a picnic basket that you take for lunch (be prepared for marshmallows and chips galore!).  More importantly, let them be kids.  Allowing the kids to pull out the tents and sleeping bags for a night of 'backyard' camping can do wonders for their esteem and enjoyment.  Although it may seem like a lot of work to get everything ready, lanterns, flashlights, snacks, etc... let them be in control of what they need, to a point of course.


Basically when all is said and done, make their summer vacation an opportunity to get to know your kids again and vice versa.  Enjoy!

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Climbing Out!

Okay, happy to say that my dip into the 'Pity' pool was brief and short lived...  Fortunately my personality doesn't allow for much time spent feeling sorry for myself on matters that I can control.  I may pitch a bitch or whine a bit, but I get over it fairly quickly and this whole situation/relationship with my AZ Drummer is no different in terms of how I will handle it.

Through the years I have discovered that I am not like your typical woman when it comes to dating, perhaps leading my downfall in the romance department or finding a suitable significant other.  Truthfully, it is a trait that I refuse to let go because of how strongly I feel about it.

On average, I would think that more women would be highly upset with the continued cancellations and/or last minute calls to reschedule and then ultimately cancel.  I would also think that more women would be highly upset when the phone calls are sporadic at best and messages left are rarely replied upon.

For me it's much more complicated I think and perhaps most men would view my reserved nature as possibly uncaring, perhaps that in itself is more of a curse than anything else.

I don't expect a man to complete me or my life, although I would love to share those needs with someone special, until the day comes when I am able to give a man that much responsibility without so much as a second thought, those qualities are mine to secure and be happy with.

Having said that, I don't expect the person I am with to spend every moment of the day with me, talking to me or being my only source of entertainment.  Life comes with some of the most unexpected twists and turns, whether on a personal level or professional, I can't see myself spending my energy in a negative manner because our plans have to be changed or canceled due to something beyond our control.  However, I do have limitations with this acceptance.

I would love to think that spending time with me is just as important to them as breathing and not felt as an obligation.  How to explain this one.... well, simple enough.  Prior to the Holiday weekends approach, we had made tentative plans to get together as every other time we tried it was canceled.  With the exception of a scheduled fun day with his daughter early in the day on Saturday, he had the weekend off.  I thought as it had been 7 years and we both expressed a strong desire to see each other again and our schedules just kept getting out of whack, I thought nothing could have kept him from spending some time with me over the weekend, even if it were for just a few hours.  Instead he went shooting and from there his whole weekend was a nightmare, to which I am highly relieved and grateful that he is okay.  But the fact that he went shooting just pretty much made me realize that we are not on the same page when it comes to wanting to really see each other.

And then there are the phone calls, emails, text messages.... this one is a very fine line for me and unfortunately one that weighs heavy on my mind with my AZ Drummer.  Unfortunately since I haven't heard from him since being informed of the situation on Saturday, I guess pitching a bitch just isn't the right thing to do at this time.  Regardless, when it comes to communication, I don't expect it to be a constant and I don't find myself sitting by my phone just waiting for it to ring or notify me of a text.  However I do believe in at least checking in once in a while, if for nothing else, just to say 'hi', let me know they're okay.

There is much more that I can write when it comes to me and what I want out of a relationship, it's time for me to stop writing about it, it's time for me to stop talking about it, Life is just too short not to do something about it.

Shopping and Helicopters... oh my!

Everyone who knows me personally is aware of the simple fact that I hate to shop.  Literally, you couldn't pay me to go on a shopping spree voluntarily.  Perhaps from many trips to the mall with my mom as a young child, hell, there were 5 of us children which meant back-to-school shopping was an all day affair, whether we wanted it to be or not, we were stuck at the mall until the last kid was shopped for.  Ugh!

So, to get out of the house and as moral support for my dad who had no choice in the whole matter, we packed up the car with cooler totes, ice packs and of course, waters and hit the road, heading to the valley for a day of shopping.  Mother had the whole trip preplanned.

• (1st Store)  Shower head w/ single lever thingy
• (2nd Store)  Sunflower seed collection
• (3rd Store)  Standard household items and a few groceries
• (4th Store)  More  standard household items and a few more groceries
• (5th Store)  Dog food
• (Behavior Treat)  If dad and I made it through the shopping spree with little to no grief caused upon mom, we get to eat at a Buffet for dinner... yum!

Prior to hitting any of the stores, we had to drive about an hour and a half just to get to where they actually are.  As we live up, up and still up a bit more in the mountains, we prepared ourselves for the inevitable need to pop our ears once we descended from high atop the mountain.  With a yawn, dad and I were fine, pretty much immediately.  Mother on the other hand was chewing gum and it took a while for her to tell us that only her right ear had popped somewhat.  She claimed that it wasn't exactly a pop but more of a sharp-quick pain that went away as fast as she had felt it.  Thinking nothing of it, we continued on our way.

First we hit the home improvement store, Home Depot for the purchase of a new shower head and single lever thingy that was going into the master bedroom shower.  Apparently the old one has been leaking and had gotten worse over the course of about 3 weeks.  Mother has found her last nerve with the constant clicking noise of the water dripping.

Then we hit Food City where mother proceeded to buy out all the sunflower seeds that they had on the shelf.  Dad and I agree that she needs help!

Next came Sam's Club.  We went through it in less then an hour, thank goodness for mothers preplanned list!  However, the rest of the day went in a totally different and unexpected direction once we finished loading up the car......

**** To be continued.....  (Oh my... Helicopters and Hospitals!)

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The Beauty Of It All

So why the move?  Personal reasons, found myself questioning if what I was living was truly as good as it can get for me?  Was I settling for what I thought was enough and all that I deserved.  When my inner-me answered with a loud and bold, yes, I had no choice but to listen.

We all have a sad story, we all have a need and desire to speak of it, get it off our chest and to be told that it will get better or that we did the best that we could under the circumstances.  I don't want to go there right now.  Life is what 'we' as individuals make it out to be and this is my adventure down a path leading me to the time of my life.

California will be greatly missed.  My friends and family will be greatly missed.  But we have a means to see each other or call, so this distance between us will end up being an adjustment, not a downfall.

Patience, patience, patience!

I am allowing my creative juices to catch up with my brain, it is hot as hell out here!  All I can say is Thank God for air conditioning.

But then again, I find that I am either too hot or too cold.  I feel like I am having hot flashes...  and I don't think I am old enough to experience them just yet!